I had a panic attack this morning. I’d never had one before and it took a while for me to admit that I’d just had one. The fiance lay beside me obliviously, but gently snoring, his nice full lips open and a drop of transparent saliva hung in the corner of his mouth sullenly threatening to start a rivulet down the side of his face. Ordinarily, this sight would have made me smile indulgently and reach for a paper towel to wipe it off before the drop rolled through his stubble, but this morning I felt paralyzed.
The crushing weight of fear sitting on my chest held me immobile while uncertainty tortured me till tears streamed down my face. My chest constricted, refusing to expand, and I could not draw breath. All I could think of, as my heart galloped violently within my ribcage, all I could think of was the strong fluttering of my baby deep within me.
This baby I’d just gotten disowned for. This baby my parents disapproved of. This tiny person who’s arrival was already changing my life in ways I couldn’t begin to guess.
Gradually, I felt the fear begin to fade and the feelings of uncertainty recede. As my chest eased, I took a tentative breath and then another, till my body remembered how to breathe, and my racing heart slowed to a trot and eased back to it’s normal rhythm.
Slowly, rational thoughts returned to me and I could again feel a sense of rightness suffuse me. I had made the right decision to keep my baby. There was no way I was going to give her up, and anyone who told me otherwise was not fit to be my family anyways.
I could sit up now, and I did. I sat up and looked in my sleeping fiance’s eyes, I looked at my gleaming and sparkling silver engagement ring with the good sized stud perched elegantly on it, I looked at the gentle swell of my abdomen, and smiled.
I AM HAVING A BABY, and I am so glad I am!
I’ve got a man who adores the ground I walk on, and the proof of that love is growing in me. I am having a baby I will never disown, a baby I will show what true love means. My medical career is looking better by the day and I just got promoted.
Yes my life may have a few potholes in the road, but from where I stand it’s a road worth travelling. I’m making a new family…and I’m glad I am! ♡♥♡